A Night In

[singingdrummer]

 It all started with Ben tugging Meredith onto his lap, lips pressed against hers in a heated kiss. His hands roamed on her figure while his desire for her grew. He had wanted her ever since their first encounter at the bar but Ben never imagined something would actually become of it.

"I want you to know you're not some groupie to me, Meredith. I really want this with you."

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[singingdrummer]

"I had a career but I chose to go away and fix myself.. At the end of the day you were the most important one. I couldn't live with myself after I watched you walk away.. Our first night haunted me every single day. The feeling of utter happiness.. for the first time in years."

Ben sighed, running a hand through his hair. No one hated him more than he did.

[highfidelity]

"That's all just words, Ben." Meredith sighed, putting her groceries in the fridge before she leaned up against the counter and looked at him. "You said a lot of nice things to me that night too, but they weren't enough to keep you from getting high."

She exhaled. She didn't want to humiliate him but she needed him to understand how much he had hurt her.

"Do you know how worthless I felt? How humiliated? I wait for the right man to be with my whole life and then you don't even care about me enough to not make such a stupid bloody decision? I felt like you used me."

There were tears in her eyes just thinking about it. She was still too nervous to be physically intimate with anyone anymore.

"I loved you. Maybe I still do."

[singingdrummer]

"I know I'm not exactly worthy of your trust right now, and I don't blame you. You gave your virginity and your heart to me, and I threw it away with one fucking stupid decision."

Ben understood exactly what he had done to her. How much she had been hurt.

"I love you too, Meredith. If I could take back what happened, I'd do it in an instant. That twat of a man is gone now.. I left him behind."

[highfidelity]

She looked at him for a long moment. Looking into him. Trying to find the sincerity in his words. It saddened her to know that her first memory of being with someone would always be tainted by what happened afterward.

"Do you need somewhere to stay?" she asked quietly after a moment. "What are you doing now?"

She wasn't going to throw him out especially when he said he'd left the band. She didn't know if he had any place else to go, or anyone to turn to. And her apartment wasn't much, but she could offer.

[singingdrummer]

Knowing that he'd tainted something so important to Meredith would stay with him for the rest of his life. He didn't feel like he deserved forgiveness.

"I've been doing some singing.. I still play the drums but not in any band." He nodded at her question. Ben didn't really have a place at the moment. There's no way he'd go and stay with his old mates, with their wild habits.

"If it's okay."

[highfidelity]

"It's fine. I've only got the one bedroom, but you can use the couch."

She didn't want him in the bed with her, at least not now. It was highly likely that once she forgave him they'd end up gravitating toward each other. But how to explain to him that she just didn't want to be touched? It was a hard subject to broach.

"Listen, I've got to take a shower and clean up for dinner," she said instead. "Why don't you unpack your stuff and...figure out whatever it is you're going to do."

Not recalling that when she left, since she'd pulled everything out after he left, he'd find her guitar and all of the music she'd been trying to write. She'd stopped hiding it when she didn't have anyone to hide it from.

[singingdrummer]

"That's fine. I've slept on couches before."

Ben smiled, watching her go. He wasn't going to push her into anything after what he did.

He looked around until the guitar caught his eye. A little surprised, he approached it and spotted a pile of papers with lyrics and notes.

"Is this hers? This stuff is brilliant.."

[highfidelity]

Meredith was oblivious. She'd showered, changed and emerged from the bathroom with a pillow and some blankets for him to use. Not realizing what he'd stumbled into. "I'll leave these for you, and you can just use my bathroom," she said before she kept going into the kitchen. Time to make dinner. And try not to think about how awkward this was.

[singingdrummer]

"Okay. Thanks."

By then he had picked up the guitar, strumming to get a feel of it before he began playing one of the songs he'd found, singing softly.

[highfidelity]

The sound caught her attention from the kitchen, where she was putting dinner on, trying to portion it for the both of them. She was going to be a good host if nothing else. She paused and walked back into the living room, looking at him.

"You weren't supposed to ever notice that," she said, cluing him into the fact that she had never wanted him to know about her talents.

[singingdrummer]

"You'd want to keep all this hidden away? This is so much better than the stuff I've heard.. Your lyrics too."

Ben was both amazed and impressed at this revelation. No wonder she understood music so well.

[highfidelity]

"I tried, but never really went anywhere." She shrugged. "And once I got into the paper, I didn't want anyone saying I was only a critic because I was upset about my own career."

She settled on the arm of the couch. "It's been months since I've played, anyway." Hard to feel up to it or much of anything. She needed to heal that broken heart and to do that she'd have to open herself up to him again. She needed him even if she was scared to admit it.

[singingdrummer]

"Yeah.. I didn't have much of a motivation either."

Ben began to play something of his own this time. A song he wrote during his time away, once his inspiration returned. A song written for her.

[highfidelity]

She sat there and listened, ducking her head slightly to hide the blush. Her feelings for him had never died, but she was just so scared about being hurt again. Not sure what part of him was real and which was that rock star facade. "I thought you'd forget me," she said quietly after a moment. "I tried to forget you. Didn't really work."

[singingdrummer]

"I couldn't. My heart kept screaming at me to fix this.. To come back and tell you how I really feel. That's when I wrote this song."

He looked at her, smiling a little.

[highfidelity]

"I never stopped caring about you." She returned the smile of her own, as much as she could muster. "I'm just so scared you're going to leave again...so afraid of opening myself up to you or anyone like that again."

Looking downcast for a moment. "I felt so ashamed of myself after you left. Like I wasn't worth being touched. Like I was so naive."

[singingdrummer]

"I won't. I did a lot of thinking while I was gone."

Ben wanted to move closer and hold her, but he didn't know if she'd want him to.

"Meredith, you are worth so much. From that first night we made love I fell in love with you.. That hasn't happened in so long."

[highfidelity]

That earned him a sad smile. "I believe you," she said softly. "I just wish that had been enough for you to come back to me."

She cleared her throat. "I'll finish dinner, if you haven't eaten. Is there anything else you need?"

[singingdrummer]

"It should've been, if I had used my brain."

Ben scoffed at himself. "I wanted to come back to you a better man.. I had a lesson to learn."

"I am a little peckish, yeah. Don't need anything else."

[highfidelity]

She nodded and slipped into the kitchen to finish making them dinner, which she carried to her small dining room table. Meredith wished she knew something to say to him, anything to make it like it was before, but she was lost.

[singingdrummer]

"Smells delicious."

Ben took a seat by the table, glancing at her again. He had to be careful not to say too much, but at the same time he didn't want to leave important things unsaid.

"I missed you, Meredith.. Everyday."

[highfidelity]

"I tried not to think about it," she admitted. "If I did I just ended up hating myself and then hating you and I didn't want that."

She exhaled. "That was the most perfect night of my life and I just wanted it to never end."

[singingdrummer]

"It really was perfect."

Ben sighed, the memory of it making him smile sadly. He had never felt that good with a woman before. Every movement of their bodies together, every kiss. He fell hard for her.

[highfidelity]

"My dad always told me never to date a musician," she admitted with a soft laugh. Which he actually had, being one himself.

She reached across the table and took his hand, still searching for some kind of understanding. "What were you thinking?" she asked. "I just don't understand why you even thought that was a good idea."

[singingdrummer]

"It's all a blur.. Tim was there. That twat never takes no for an answer. To be honest, I have no idea how he became a friend of the band's anyway."

He squeezed her hand gently.

"To make matters worse.. When I went to say my goodbyes, he goes 'fancy seeing you alive.'"